Getting Your Children To Do As They Are Told

Why Do Children Misbehave?

If you attend a workshop or parenting class, you are likely to hear that children misbehave for four common reasons: attention, power, revenge, or inadequacy. Yet, when I ask parents the meanings behind behavior, they often come up with a broader range of reasons children misbehave.

Children may misbehave due to:

1. Illness: When we don’t feel well, we often don’t have the skills, patience, calming power, or thinking ability to do the right thing.
2. Boredom: This is common in school when topics and activities do not stimulate the brain enough to keep it engaged.
3. Frustration and anger: When tasks, people, or experiences lead us to frustration or anger, we are unlikely to do the right thing or make a good choice.
4. A need for attention: Most people enjoy attention, but there is likely a critical mass below which children seek the stimulation and comfort of attention, love, and nurturance.
5. Anxiety: Anxiety is simply fear turned on its side. They both come from the same biological brain system, the limbic system. Many times children misbehave because they are anxious, afraid, or both, even if they don’t have the language skills to communicate their concerns or fears.
6. Low self-esteem: When children do not regard themselves very highly, part of them figures, “Who cares. Whatever. Things are no good for me now so why should I comply?”
7. Misunderstanding: Sometimes children misunderstand what is expected of them. This can be due to communication, listening, or attention challenges.
8. Pacing problems: The internal motor of some children runs too high, making their internal pacing and speed a difficulty to manage themselves.
9. Communication challenges: Due to receptive and or expressive language issues, some children do not have the foundational communication skills to exhibit appropriate behaviors.
10. Sabotage: While parents are generally well-meaning, they can miscommunicate with their children, expect skills beyond the child’s ability, or interfere with learning because of their own anger and skill deficits.
11. Sensory overload: Some children experience overloads to their nervous system that lead to acting up and acting out. Sensory calming skills need to be employed.
_______________________________________________________________________________________

One method for stepping back and collecting data before you form an opinion or intervene is to ask yourself: “What is the meaning of the behavior?” “What underlies this behavior?” “Why is it occurring?” and “What factors are reinforcing this behavior?” In fact, there are three steps to intervening: Data collection, decision-making and intervention.

The method we explore today at the teleconference is "Can He Do It?" differentiating willful non-compliance from a skill deficit. Let's look at a sample behavior:

Identify “Can He Do It?”

Many times children may not be able to exhibit desired behaviors because they do not possess the skills to do as you ask. A simple evaluation tool I use in my office is “Can He Do It?” The tool works like this: write down a specific behavior your child had difficulty with in the past 48 hours. Then ask yourself if your child possessed the skills necessary to complete the desired behavior? If yes, expect it. This is when we use simple behavioral compliance strategies. If no, teach it. It’s that simple. Let’s look at one specific behavioral challenges.

Behavior #1: Sharing Toys

Step #1: What is the expected behavior?

Answer: I expect my five-year-old son to share his toys with his sister.

Step #2: “Can he do it?”

• Did I discretely define one behavior I am seeking my child to exhibit?
• Does my child have the requisite skills to exhibit this behavior?
• Are there any roadblocks that inhibit my child’s ability to exhibit the behavior? For example, did my child sleep well and eat well?
• Have I defined which toys are for sharing and which are personal and will not be played with by others?
• If my child will share another toy, but not the requested toy, did I offer an alternative solution for the children?

Step #3: If yes, expect it. Help your child learn to share by clarifying expectations and establishing a time-frame for sharing.

Step #4: If no, teach it. Help the child to choose an alternate toy, model sharing, and practice sharing.

Bring your own examples to the call, look forward to hearing you there.

http://www.lynnekenney.com/teleconferences.php