Teaching Friendship Skills

Making and keeping friends is a central part of entering school. Teaching your child prosocial friendship skills is a valuable part of your relationship with your children.

Where do you begin?

A. A few great books have been written on friendship skills. Ones from the American Girls library include: Friends: Making them and keeping them; The Feelings Book, and Stand Up For Yourself and Your Friends. For middle school children and teens Queen Bees and Wanna Bees is a must-read for parents. For parents who wish to coach their teens to health and wellness, The Parent as Coach by Diana Sterling is amazing for parents of teens.

B. Healthy friendship skills begin with confidence and self-respect. Children who have self-esteem are able to be kind, share, and include others in their friendship circles.

C. Knowing your own social style and what is unique about your child is another fine starting point. Emphasizing that everyone is different and we are all special in our own ways enhances acceptance and tolerance among children.

Here are a few, little discussed, tips on helping your children develop their friendship skills.

1. As young as age four you can begin to help your child discover his or her personal style. What kind of child is yours? Help her see that she is bright, funny, articulate, caring or thoughtful. Teach her how to recognize positive social skills in others so she chooses skillful friends who are likely to share her values.

2. In order to help your child see when she is using prosocial friendship skills, comment specifically on what your child does in her friendships that shows she cares.

“When Jose hurt his arm and you offered to sit with when he could not play, that was a kind thing to do.”

“Offering your sister your sweater at the skating rink when she was cold was a thoughtful thing to do.”

3. Teach your child to observe the behavior of others non-judgmentally in a manner that helps her to see how other people behave. Talk with her about how other people respond to that behavior.

4. As your child gets older help her develop the ability to observe the impact of her behavior on others.

5. Giving your children the words and actions to: a. enter into and exit social groups, b. include other people in their group and c. recognize what characteristics your child wants in his or her friends is invaluable.

Talk with your children about what makes a good friend. Write a short story or a book on what one does to show respect, integrity and honesty. If there is a school-mate who criticizes others or mocks others, that is not a friend you wish for your child to choose as a close mate. Draw distinctions between kids who are willing to lift one another up and those who desire to feel powerful by cutting others down.

Here are some sample social skills you might wish to introduce to your children one skill as a time. Role-play with your children, create positive conversations with your children and teach them the importance of learning these skills.

Sample List of Skills

• Accepting "No"
• Accepting Consequences
• Apologizing
• Arguing Respectfully
• Asking a Favor
• Asking Questions
• Being a Good Listener
• Being in a Group Discussion
• Conversational Skills
• Declining an Invitation
• Expressing Empathy
• Following Rules
• Good Sportsmanship

Developing friendship skills can be fun. So practice, play and enjoy with your children. Friendship will follow.

Parenting expert MARY MURRAY on teaching friendship skills

Listen in to Educational Psychologist Mary Murray, Director of Murray Camp on Nantucket, as we talk about what schools and parents can do to help teach friendship skills.

Mary suggests we visit onetoughjob.org and www.pbs.org/parents for helpful tips and solutions.

www.blogtalkradio.com/the-family-coach

Books that might interest you include:

Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman

Friends: Making Them & Keeping Them (American Girl) by Patti Kelley Criswell and Stacy Peterson

A Smart Girls Guide to Friendship Troubles by Patti Kelley Criswell and Angela Martini

Protect Your Child from Bullying: Expert Advice to Help You Recognize, Prevent, and Stop Bullying Before Your Child Gets Hurt by Allan L. Beane

Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing by Michele Borba

Parents Do Make a Difference: How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong Minds, and Caring Hearts (The Jossey-Bass Psychology Series) by Michele Borba

Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them by Michele Borba

Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different - And How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men by Steve Biddulph and Paul Stanish

Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson

Telly The Tattle -Tale: Children Learn Through Stories and Metaphor

TELLY THE TATTLE-TALE (AND HOW SHE LEARNED TO BE QUIET)

Telly, her mother, and her little brother Roger were on their way home from school. "Roger forgot his pencils today," said Telly.

"Hush up, Telly," said Roger, blushing. But their mother still scolded him. Telly smiled.

Later, the family was sitting around the table enjoying dinner. "Roger's just pushing his peas around," said Telly.

"Hush up, Telly," said Roger, quickly dropping his fork. But their parents still scolded him. Telly smiled.

Later, the parents went upstairs to read while the kids went to their rooms to work on their homework. "Roger's playing video games and not working," said Telly.

"Hush UP, Telly!" shouted Roger, unplugging the video game. But their father still came in to scold him. Telly smiled a big, wide, smile, and then went back to work on her own assignment.

She was working on a watercolor for art class. It was going to be the biggest, best watercolor any kid had ever turned in, and she was sure to get a gold star on the school Good Behavior chart for it--maybe even two. She imagined herself putting the stars up on the chart, the eyes of all the other children on her. She closed her eyes and reached out her skinny finger to place the star--and her hand knocked the cup with the dirty paint water right onto the carpet.

She opened her eyes, looked down, and moaned: there was a big green puddle, soaking right into the carpet! Then she looked up and moaned again, because there sat Roger in the doorway, a huge smile on his face.

Roger would tell her parents about the puddle. Then it would be Telly who got scolded, and Roger who would get to smile. Her parents would call the school, and they would cross her name right off of the Good Behavior chart with a fat, black marker--no gold stars for her ever again. She felt herself starting to cry.

But suddenly, there was Roger, a big roll of paper towels in his hand. He dropped two paper towels over the puddle and waited. Before long, the green had soaked up into the towels. Then Roger picked up the towels and, like magic, the puddle was gone and the carpet was clean. Roger went back to his own room without a word.

The next night at dinner, they had peas again. Roger was pushing them around on his plate instead of eating them, and Telly opened her mouth to tell on him. And then she remembered the green puddle on the floor, and how frightened she had been--and how Roger hadn't told on her, when he had the chance. Instead of telling on him, she turned back to eating her own peas. But on her mouth was a smile. It was a bigger smile than her usual one, bigger and nicer, somehow.