ON THE SAME PAGE – WHEN YOUR DISCIPLINE STYLES VARY

Parenting your children can be difficult. We often struggle with determining the right appropriate limits and with following through with the consequences we’ve promised. But, things can really get complicated when we’re two people who have very different styles of discipline try to parent together.

Good Cop, Bad Cop
It’s not unusual for one parent to be far stricter than the other. But, allowing each parent to discipline as they see fit when they know their style is different from that of their spouse sets you up to have your child play one parent against the other. Your child will soon learn to go to the more lenient parent with issues, leaving out the stricter parent. The child may even ask the “nice” parent to intervene on their behalf with the “mean” one. Neither of you is receiving a great deal of respect from your child when this situation is allowed to arise. Plus, it’s likely to cause issues in your marriage, because you never agree on how the other handles discipline situations.

Meeting in the Middle
If your parenting styles differ significantly, you’re going to need to discuss every discipline situation for a while. You should make the rule that no punishments, or even threats of punishment should be delivered by either parent alone. Sit down and discuss each and every situation. You can begin by discussing what each of you would do if you had to deal with the situation alone, and then choose a disciplinary action that both of you can support.

After a while, some patterns will be established, and each of you will have a good idea of how to handle a situation on your own in a way that would be acceptable to your partner, too.

A United Front
It’s critical that you and your partner present a united front to your child. Children need to understand that mom and dad are working together to make the rules and provide clear direction. Showing your child that both parents are on the same page and that standards and consequences are fully supported by both parties will have a positive impact on your child’s behavior. Children look to us to set the rules; inconsistency between parents is confusing to them. So, hook up with your partner and create clear rules and consequences for breaking them that everyone can understand and support.