Self-Monitoring Behavior

Self-Monitoring Behavior

You may know children who hit or call names, only to blame the other children for their behavioral choices. Sometimes these children blame others in order to justify their own behavior. More often, however, they have not developed the self-awareness, planning, and impulse control to manage their behaviors effectively. This occurs particularly when they are ages four to nine. One step toward helping your children follow the rules is improving their ability to observe their own behaviors and the impact of their behaviors on others.

Research shows that children behave better when their view of their behavior coincides with the view others have of their behavior. As an example, seven-year-old Juliette is more likely to hold the door open for her peers at school when her peers view that behavior as one Juliette is anticipated to exhibit. If asked to rate her "door holding" behavior on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being poor and 5 being excellent) she is also more likely to rate herself as her peers would see her behavior if she knows they are also evaluating her.

You can use self and sibling ratings as a tool to help your children observe and manage their behaviors better at home. The Family Coach, My Daily Points tool can help your children consciously monitor their behavior.

THE FAMILY COACH POINTS TOOL

Name __________________________________________________________________

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Name __________________________________________________________________

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Begin with three rules for your family to follow for one week. Each day, focus on one of the rules. Make a sheet of paper with each person's name across the top. On the left hand side write down five times such as 7 am, 8 am, noon, 3 pm, and 5 pm depending on what time your children go to school, camp, soccer, etc. Try to choose five specific times when you are with your children so that the rating period is based on times when you are present to observe behaviors. Help your children monitor their adherence to one family rule each day by taking a moment and asking your children, "On a scale from 1 to 5, how well did you follow the family rule today?" On the scale, 1 is poorly, 2 is partially, 3 is okay, 4 is good, and 5 is great.

Let's put this tool into practice:

"This week, we will be focusing on three family rules: (1) Being an active listener, (2) complimenting one another, and (3) putting our belongings back in their homes (where they belong). Today is Monday, so we are working on 'Being an active listener'." Take the time to help your children see where they are earning points with an eye toward what behaviors they wish to improve.

The Dinner Table and Your Hoola Hoop

One Family’s Experience

I was with a family recently who felt that their every day life was unmanageable.

After establishing their family mission, values and rules, we went to work on establishing their routines.

Dinnertime felt most disconcerting so we started there.

The parents explained that though their children were now in elementary school they had never been able to get the kids to sit down for dinner. Dinner-time felt chaotic. The kids complained about what the mother cooked, they got up from the table several times and then ran off to their rooms after dinner.

This family needed to get the parents back in charge of dinner. The parents are to indicate when dinner begins and ends. The parents identify who has to help with after-dinner clean-up and who can go outside to play or to their rooms to finish their homework.

1. In order to clarify the routine, first we wrote down what the dinner routine looked like and we hung it in the kitchen.

1. Set the table.
2. Place the food on the table.
3. Sit down to dinner
4. Ring the dinner bell to mark the start of the meal.
5. Say an observance of gratitude.
6. Eat.
7. Talk about our day.
8. Ring the bell to signal the end of the meal.

2. We marked each child’s eating space and told them once they sat down they would not leave that space without parental consent.

We all sat down to eat, we placed hoola-hoops under the chairs of the children to mark their “eating space.” They were told that once the family sat down to eat, the children were not to leave their eating spaces until they had asked permission and it had been granted by their parents.

3. We required the children to ask for consent to leave the table.

Dinner was done, they asked for permission, “Mom or dad, may I leave the table?” The mom and dad said, “Yes you may,” the children took their plates to the sink, and to the parents’ surprise they went into the living room for family activities.

The parents just looked to me like, “What, our kids have never sat through a family meal!”

For the next hour, we played activities, we built some towers, we did a family drawing, and then it was time for a bath, reading, and sleep.

Now, this was a family who understood what a dinner-routine looks like. There were clear expectations about what dinner would be like. There was an order to the dinner routine, there was a clear beginning and an end. Then, there were family activities after dinner.

Your children hunger for their routine, they need to know their routine, they need to know what’s next because it helps them with mastery. They also hunger for you, even a recalcitrant teen will do activities with a parent if the activities appeal to the teen.